I guess black men don’t hate me

but then my how do I compete with preferences?!

My ex was so obsessed with me having a low bun in a middle part. He thought my hair always looked cute but the natural look was what he preferred because it ‘brought out my face’. Naturally (excuse the pun) you endorse more of what your partner likes but honestly I didn’t like the shape of my face always being so exposed. In every season you could see whether I’d put on weight or lost it, or that’s what I thought. Just my bare face for everyone to see. He was Asian, loving, kind, sweet and attentive and Asian. I kind of had a thing for southern Asians, couldn’t tell you why but I know I really loved the colour of their skin, sometimes even darker than mine with a beautiful glow. I love brown skin.

But then why did I find it so easy to avoid Black men?

As I let myself explore this, I feel like they made it pretty hard to like them in my teen years. From insulting the hair texture of myself and my 4C sisters, to making fun of dark skin girls. The way I saw black boys talk about black girls in my childhood made me feel unsafe. Coupled with the amount of us who were abandoned by our fathers, I really felt like black men were against protecting and loving black women.

Being unsafe and feeling unprotected pushed me in one direction and one direction only; there was only one man I really trusted and that was Jesus. Unfortunately for me, the depictions of Jesus have always been pretty western to say the least.

I’d watch the passion of Christ every Easter, sometimes followed by the movie ‘Jesus’, you know the one from the series with all the Bible characters.

He had shoulder length brown hair, a rugged beard, a care free and loving attitude and he defended the weak, the marginalised and the underrepresented. He promoted equality and made it known that everyone is inherently eligible for the kingdom. No one is exempt less they count themselves out. That’s the Jesus I fell in love with. And it’s not till recently that I realised that the rugged, care free loving, mellow and most importantly non-coloured representation of Jesus is what I had internalised as attractive.

Give me hair, a rugged beard, a love for Christ, justice and throw in a tattoo (to highlight their rebellion against the status quo and their individuality) and I always found myself thinking how attractive that person was.

Those feelings didn’t come around when I looked at black men. A corporate, well groomed, educated, built and bearded black man does not draw me in or attract me in that way, I don’t necessarily associate them with safety. I immediately think mainstream, status quo, and rejection. I think, he doesn’t love my hair when it’s just come out of braids, he told me so when I was 16. All of them, they all look like the faces I used to know, but in suits now and they always dated the racially ambiguous or Caucasian girls claiming that black girls were just too serious or aggressive. Some did say they’d probably settle down with one when they got older.

I still get to see a lot of the black men I grew up around.

Majority never did.

For the black men that have always spoken out in love to the sistas, I appreciate you whether you’re with one now or not because honestly it doesn’t matter who you love it’s just about how you treat people and if I’m being transparent, the things I experienced and witnessed somewhat warped the way I view my fellow brothers.

I know good black men and I know they don’t all think the way the little boys I grew up with did but that lack of safety, acknowledgement and appreciation really had me looking elsewhere.

So here I’ve been forever, thinking I’m into alternative dudes because they love hard, they’re creative, they’re different etc.. etc.. etc.. when really I’ve just been going with my safe bet, the depiction of Jesus that I got from Mel Gibson and the rest of the western world. Liking men based on features and not necessarily who they were. Not accepting peoples individuality or potential flaws because of my own hurts, insecurities or trauma. I would hate to be judged that way yet I’ve always done it thinking I was protecting myself. Asif a man looking like Jesus means they’d treat me like Jesus 😂 what kind of logic is that?

Reviewing the root behind my preferences and choices has been freeing. I always said I’d be happy to marry a God fearing man no matter what race they are but I don’t think I would have felt genuinely attractive or desirable to a black man and that’s just the truth. I think I would have been pleased to be chosen by them, maybe for a while, but ultimately I would have been insecure based on the unresolved feelings I harboured about the views of the few.

I’m sure there will be other insecurities to overcome if I do ever get married, we all have hang ups, but I thank God that for me, this is no longer one.

Same shiz different lens WARNING: May lead to triggering thoughts or no thoughts at all